Let me set the scene. It's the height of COVID, and I'm dating a man who is five foot six, and I am quietly very proud of myself.
Because for years, I had a list. Height was on it. So when I said yes to a shorter guy, I genuinely thought: look at me. Expanding my preferences. Healing. I was not healing. I was checking a box.
The ick I talked myself out of
I'll be honest, the ick was there from the start. He wore a backpack the first time we met which made him look even shorter, and I remember thinking, oh no.
Then came the motorcycle. His friend had a bigger bike, way too tall for him, and he had to run and jump to get on it. I have never been more icked out in my life. (I'm laughing as I write this. His height was never the problem, and I'll get to what was.)
What I did next is the real story. I decided that being willing to date a shorter guy meant I was being open and brave. And then I used that as proof he was safe. I stopped looking at him, because I was so busy admiring myself for being so evolved.
Love bombing, but make it an itinerary
He wasn't a words guy. He never said the big, gooey things. He did something I'd never experienced: he love bombed me with actions.
Weekend getaways. Flying me out to Sacramento for a concert. Fully planned itineraries, every hour accounted for. He was the type A planner, and all that effort felt like proof that I mattered.
What I missed is that he was planning things he wanted to do. Being great at logistics is a personality trait. It does not tell you whether someone is kind, curious, or safe.
And my ego loved it. He seemed so infatuated with me. I told myself I was out of his league, which meant I was in control, which meant I was safe.
The "that kind of person" game
Here's what I couldn't see in the moment, because it was all so small.
He made small comments about my music taste and how basic I was. He talked about homeless people as if they were a joke, and he thought tipping was for suckers who waste their money. Empathy, to him, was weakness. He acted like he was smarter than everyone in the room.
He also loved judging a whole person by one tiny detail. I once left the price sticker on a candle and he said “oh you’re thaaaat kind of person.” Someone watches reality TV? Not intellectual. Eats cereal for dinner every once in awhile? Clearly doesn't have their life together. Has four thousand photos in their camera roll? Disorganized and unreliable.
One little thing, one verdict. Over and over.
Here's the part that matters: it didn't have to be about me. When someone constantly picks people apart, you start doing math. What would he say about me? So you shrink a little. You get careful. You get self-conscious without being able to name why, even though he clearly found me attractive.
None of it was loud. Each thing was small enough to wave away next to the weekend trips and day adventures. But the kind words never came, and there was no depth behind anything he said. He never asked me real questions, and he never once told me he truly cared about me.
How it ended
I had just graduated, and he planned a camping trip to celebrate. (You can already guess where this is going. It was a camping trip he wanted to go on, with my graduation as the reason.)
Right before we were supposed to leave, he picked a fight out of nowhere. It wasn't even a dramatic argument. I honestly couldn't tell you what he was mad about. I was just confused. Then he broke up with me over the phone and blocked me on everything.
Later I found out he took a new girl on that camping trip.
I wish I could tell you I saw it all clearly right then. I didn't. It took hindsight, a lot of it, to line up every red flag. And when the dust settled, I realized I was never even into him. I was into being chosen. I was into the story that I was winning.
The covert narcissism red flags, looking back
A quick note: I'm not diagnosing my ex. But these are patterns that are commonly associated with covert narcissism, and they're worth knowing:
Blanket judgments about people. One habit someone does becomes a verdict on their whole character. Putting people down to make them feel better about themself.
Criticism that isn't aimed at you, but lands on you. You learn to monitor yourself because you've seen how he talks about everyone else. (Eventually it will get more direct and specific to you but not in the beginning)
Contempt for empathy. If kindness is a joke to someone, you'll eventually be on the receiving end.
Big gestures with no curiosity. Effort that's all about their desires, not about who you are or what you want.
You feel smaller the longer you date. If you're more insecure on day 90 than day 9, pay attention.
A sudden, confusing exit. No real conversation, just a fight with no clear cause, then silence.
What to focus on instead
I was fixated on what looked good on paper: height, who was out of whose league, who seemed more into whom. I thought loosening one preference meant I was healing.
Growth isn't loosening a preference. It's noticing how someone makes you feel, how they treat people who can't do anything for them, and then believing what you see and feel.
Things worth watching:
How they treat waiters, strangers, and people who aren't in the room
Whether they're curious about you, not just excited by you
Whether you feel more like yourself or less like yourself around them
Whether their effort is about connecting with you or about their own interests
Whether they admire your light or dim it
Things that don't tell you much:
Height, in either direction
How impressive the plans/material things are
How attracted to you they seem
How impressive their words are
If this sounds like your story
I'm not here to make you feel silly. I wasn't silly. I was in the middle of a pandemic, flattered, and convinced that being chosen meant being safe. That's human.
And for the record, short guys, I love you. There are wonderful five-foot-six men out there who will hold the door for a stranger and ask you real questions. The backpack was never the red flag.
FAQ
What are the signs of covert narcissism in dating? Common signs include blanket judgments about people, subtle put-downs framed as jokes, contempt for empathy, and a lack of real curiosity about you. It usually shows up in small moments that add up over time. Only a licensed professional can diagnose anyone, so focus on the behavior and how it affects you.
Is love bombing always loud and verbal? No. It can look like trips, big plans, and constant activity instead of compliments. The question to ask is whether the effort reflects who you are, or just what he wants to do.
Why do I feel insecure around someone who seems so into me? Often because the criticism is subtle and constant, even when it's aimed at other people or disguised as a joke. Notice how you feel over weeks, not just on the best days.
Want help noticing these patterns earlier? I have a few 1:1 spots open. Learn about working with me.
This post is for education and storytelling and isn't a substitute for therapy or a diagnosis.
